Pew Research "Nearly half US Adults say dating has gotten harder in last
10 years" What are your thoughts on current dating scene?
Back in the day girls would say they wanted a guy over 6' and guys would
say they wanted a girl who was a solid 10; but then they'd meet, make each
other laugh, and suddenly a guy who is 5'9 and a girl who is a 6 with
makeup, would be "good enough" for each other.
Now all you have are pictures and stats.
There's no opportunity to charm someone. No chance to win them over.
You can basically filter out the "undesirable" qualities, never realizing
you may have swiped a soulmate out of your life.
Obviously it's getting worse as people are more reluctant to leave the
house and, therefore, more reliant on online dating.
Pretty much this, we’ve all been boiled down to our most superficial
stats. 🤦♀️
Yep it’s all become boxes that need to be checked. And if a dating profile
or the first few back and forth convos with a match on the app doesn’t
check someone’s boxes, they give up and swipe on the next until they find
someone who does check all of their boxes, which rarely happens. Everybody
expects perfection nowadays, and they think they’ll find it because social
media misleads people into thinking that there are tons of perfect people
out there.
D-Rez
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a combination of people relying too much on apps (or even entirely on
them), and entertainment at home alone has become a lot more fun than ever
before.
u/ReaverRogue avatar
ReaverRogue
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3h ago
To add on to that, I’d say completely unrealistic expectations for anybody
coming onto the dating scene that’s perpetuated by films, books, and porn
is doing a lot of damage, that and it’s expensive as fuck for most people
to just exist right now, let alone go out to dinner and a movie.
That’s to say nothing of just how poorly a lot of people communicate now.
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u/Hrekires avatar
Hrekires
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3h ago
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I found myself unexpectedly single in 2021 after a 10 year marriage and
yeah, every dating app sucks now.
Lots of features don't even exist anymore, like letting you search for
people instead of just relying on what the algorithm decides to show you.
OK Cupid used to show you a person's message response rate so you could
save your time if they never responded to anyone. And I feel like there
are way more bots and scammers.
But meanwhile, people aren't drinking as much so bars aren't a great
option and as a 40 year-old with a full time job, friends/family to spend
time with, and a house and pets to take care of, I don't have the free
time to do something like attending random meetup groups or volunteering
hoping to maybe meet someone.
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u/PuzzleheadedSet2545 avatar
PuzzleheadedSet2545
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3h ago
Being married feels like making the last chopper out of vietnam
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KidGold
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Being married to someone who isn’t shitty feels like you got on one of the
last choppers with enough fuel to get home.
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u/HitmanCodename47 avatar
HitmanCodename47
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3h ago
This is the strongest analogy I've ever heard lol. While I can't relate, I
absolutely empathize with that.
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u/Clintman avatar
Clintman
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3h ago
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Online dating has made it possible to interact with tons of different
people, which creates a paradox of choice - many more options, measured
against the same old preferences. And nobody is willing to compromise or
put in effort to get to know a person when there are 250 other faces on
your phone to swipe at.
*And this is on top of all the other things that have made socializing
suck over the last 20 or so years: everything is expensive, and a lot of
people have started to behave in real life the way people do on reddit and
facebook and twitter.
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u/JellicoAlpha_3_1 avatar
JellicoAlpha_3_1
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3h ago
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There is no dating scene anymore
It's just a bunch of people on cellphones all desperately trying to fuck
the hottest person possible
Everyone else just stays at home or hangs with friends/family because it's
cheaper and more entertaining to be at home or someone else's home than it
is to go spend 20 bucks on like 3 beers in a bar.
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TheS00thSayer
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all desperately trying to fuck the hottest person possible
For some fucking reason peoples standards are insanely high. People that
are solid 5’s are genuinely going for or won’t accept anything below an
8.5-9.
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Lyeta1_1
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3h ago
The rate of functional illiteracy is frankly staggering.
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Dogstile
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Gone are the days where you'll hit it off with someone in the pub's
smoking area, you'll make out all night (despite the smokey mouth,
sacrifices must be made, you see), enthusiastically exchange numbers, only
to be utterly horrified when they text you in the morning asking "so rite,
i had a gr8 tyme at the pub, when we link next? lol!"
Edit: Mine is uk specific, of course.
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iwbwikia_
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3h ago
as an average looking dude, dating apps are not easy. if you're a good
looking guy, like some of my friends, absolutely another game.
apps really fuck with self-esteem, at least mine.
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u/DaBiChef avatar
DaBiChef
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3h ago
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Here's my take on MF dating.
Too many shitty men have made women uncomfortable by how they express
their interest, at best.
Women by and large have been listing all the ways they never want men to
express said interest. Nearly 30 years for me of hearing "never ask her
out at the gym" / "never ask her out at a bar" / "don't ask her out after
becoming friends!".
Decent guys listened and pulled back heavily from expressing interest IRL,
as they don't have any socially acceptable ways to pursue women. Shitty
guys didn't bother listening and aren't changing their behavior.
Dating apps were decent but have gotten so much worse, with men feeling
more and more depressed as women rarely put in any effort, matches are
withheld, and so are leaving in droves. Compounding this is a lessening
empathy for women's struggles with dating because these guys feel punished
for listening to women, women aren't changing their behavior, and watching
them complain about being thirsty to a guy dying in a desert because it's
"so hard to sift through all of my many options!". It feels tone deaf at
best.
So how does this improve?
Remove capitalism - make a dating app that is intentionally made to match
people with partners.
Remove dating apps - have women agree to a way guys can express their
interest, in a way where he is okay with being rejected ala "hey I know
you probably hate when guys do this and I really don't ever do this, but
do you mind if I give you my number". Make it some way where she gets that
he's not trying to make her uncomfortable and it won't be any kind of
issue should she reject his advances.
Remove dated gender norms - women need to start initatating conversations
irl with guys they think are cute, as the guys have been beaten over the
head with "don't make her uncomfortable" and too many have internalized it
because they don't want to be anything resembling those shitty guys.
However if he knows his advances are welcome? Different story. There's a
guy called Matthew Hussey who explains this so well here. I really think a
lot of guys have listened to women's perspective on this, but this guy is
the best communicator of explaining men's perspective to women that I've
found. He's empathetic to their position and issues, but highlights a
perspective it seems many have never considered.
So yeah, I don't see it getting better any time soon. .
One last note, we all agree overconsumption of porn can lead to men having
warped views of sex and intimacy right? Is it hard to imagine that the
sheer magnitudes of shitty romance/romantscy and the overconsumption of it
by women is giving them flawed ideas of romance? Because the crux of every
romance book I've read typically boils down to "men romance, women get
romanced" and it's maybe not an active thought but it is seemingly an
extremely common belief among women.
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u/taco_jones avatar
taco_jones
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3h ago
It's definitely gotten harder. My wife keeps stopping me.
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u/feryoooday avatar
feryoooday
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I keep getting led on by guys taking me on a few dates and then saying,
“btw I’m not looking for anything serious but we can be fwb” and I’m about
to rip my hair out.
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u/Pulp_Ficti0n avatar
Pulp_Ficti0n
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3h ago
I haven't dated in over a decade but my single buddies say it's a goddamn
cesspool. We used to just meet chicks at bars and social events.
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u/EmperorKira avatar
EmperorKira
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3h ago
It sucks. The apps suck, people have insane expectations, ghosting is
commonplace, nobody wants to invest any time in a person. It's all me me
me.
Best I've seen is meeting friends of friends but being social has also
gotten harder so it cascades. Couple it with work from home, things being
expensive... yh, I've mostly given up
Here is the issue. Girls have a lot of options but most of them are shit.
Guys have a ton of competition but are 90% the same generic dude.
Have you ever eaten at a restaurant at a lake with a dock and you can
throw a fry in the water and 40 carp all spring out of the water at the
fry? That’s what the majority of guys are in online dating….carp.
So stop hanging out with the other 40 carp at the dock jumping at every
girl that throws a fry in the water. Nobody wants to get a fish from that
shithole.
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u/ImAfraidOfOldPeople avatar
ImAfraidOfOldPeople
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Id argue women are 90% the same generic woman too, that just doesn't
bother men the same way it does the other way
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u/Pistallion avatar
Pistallion
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Haha i like the analogy. Dating apps have 2 major problems. The first is
that they are pay to win straight up. Hinge is a perfect example where to
see attractive people you have to pay.
Secondly dating apps exaggerate the worst aspects in dating for both
genders. Men give women they would not normally date attention because of
lust. They then go out with them just wanting to hook up and not really
wanting a relationship. This then makes women get upset and then become
much more picky then they should be especially because they get matches so
easily.
I think then in general and not just on dating apps, you see a sort of
entitlement from both genders. Women who arent that attractive get more
attention than they deserve. Men who think they should get more attention
than they deserve
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AscensionPhoenix
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Lol this is an interesting but good analogy.
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u/crystaltwis avatar
crystaltwis
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Dating is harder because people swipe left faster than they blink IRL.
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u/DreadWeOrgy avatar
DreadWeOrgy
OP
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true, studies have shown each profile gets about 2 seconds.
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u/No_Bunch6154 avatar
No_Bunch6154
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3h ago
Happier alone. Dating is too critical. I’m not tall enough, not rich
enough, and don’t have a good enough job to attract anyone.
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Nvrfinddisacct
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Is it really “unable to attract anyone”?
It’s okay to be middle class or average and to date/marry middle class or
average.
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Fickle-Willingness80
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3h ago
Is dating harder or is being 10 years older make dating harder?
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u/helllfae avatar
helllfae
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3h ago
...both?
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u/chin1111 avatar
chin1111
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As someone who has not had to give a single fuck about this for over 10
years but has friends who constantly talk about it, I think people have
gotten too stringent about how we view social relationships.
We've made all these unofficial rules about dating, courting and
friendship, relationships don't really naturally occur anymore. Everyone
has to be on the exact same page at the exact same time in the exact same
place, and sparks have to fly immediately.
I was on either here or YouTube a while ago, and someone said it was weird
to have your SO be your friend first, that guys try to manipulate women
into being their friends first and then springing a relationship on them.
Or maybe they got to know you first and decided they could see themselves
with you more intimately? Idk man. There are too many extra rules when the
only rules that really matter are consent, safety and -d interest.
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u/atropicalstorm avatar
atropicalstorm
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52m ago
I’ve seen this about the friends thing and it’s wild to me. I can’t
imagine getting into a relationship with someone I wasn’t friends with
first… it’s basically a prerequisite for me!
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FoghornLegday
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The fact that sparks have to fly immediately is why dating apps don’t work
for me. I find myself feeling nothing for these guys, but I can’t just
hang out with them forever on the off chance I’ll develop feelings. Maybe
if we were friends first it would be different
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KaiserCarr
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Far too many young people are embracing the "all women are gold diggers",
"all men are misogynistic assholes" stereotypes as if it's a good thing.
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u/DreadWeOrgy avatar
DreadWeOrgy
OP
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The brushes are very broad now.
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Rounder057
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3h ago
I lasted for 30 minutes on a dating app before I deleted it.
I was disturbed by the way I found myself feeling about people. They
became these options where u would look for faults. I didn’t like the way
it made me feel about myself and other people. Swipe, swipe, maybe….. oh
hates dogs? Swipe?
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_John_Handcock_
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to be fair, putting "i hate dogs" on your profile is a special kind of
stupid.
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u/23gear avatar
23gear
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3h ago
Put it this way,
Looking at pictures of water won't make you less thirsty.
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Such-Swimming2109
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3h ago
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Edited 25m ago
It's harder than I thought to meet people organically. At my age a lot of
my peers are married or in LTRs so it's not like we go out as a group
anymore; I don't like approaching men on my own.
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Okie_3D
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Last date I went on I asked the girl if we were going to be seeing each
other again, and she replied "No thanks, I was just in it for the food"
and then we went our seperate ways. She went to friends, I went to an
empty home. All I wanted was companionship, and all she wanted was free
food.
Went on one in college through online dating. Cute girl. Wasnt the same
person I met. Person I met was 2x the size and smelled like she just ate a
Bloomin Onion from Outback steakhouse. No dishing on the weight, it was
objectively a different person. Tried to go bowling with people we both
knew after we ate and she no showed, followed by ghosting.
So no. Dating is not easy.
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mykittenfarts
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3h ago
I don’t date and haven’t for about 5 years. I’ve been much happier as a
result.
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FoghornLegday
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44m ago
See I do this periodically, where I stop dating bc it’s easier and better.
But it doesn’t align with my life plans so I can’t sustain it
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u/km_1000 avatar
km_1000
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3h ago
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Edited 3h ago
Dating is impossible if you are not in the top 20 percent of
attractiveness.
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u/EmperorKira avatar
EmperorKira
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3h ago
5%
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Murky_Crow
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3h ago
If you’re a guy. Girls, a little different. Just gotta be top 99%.
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high-im-stupid
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3h ago
Well when you work 70 hours a week, sleep for 56 hours a week, and you
only have about 32 hours a week to do anything else.
Add in self-care, 7 less hours a week.
Add cleaning and cooking, that’s another few hours.
You get the point, by the end of it all. We just simply do not have time
to meet eachother and fall in love.
We can set aside some time here and there, but the consistency is…
nonexistent
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strawberryneurons
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Most people don’t work 70 hours a week, but if you do, I feel for you.
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u/VeganLee avatar
VeganLee
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3h ago
Online dating in its current format is detrimental to men's health and
overall long-term healthy relationships.
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Dancin9Donuts
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3h ago
Opted out before I even really tried. Who has time for this lol I got
ghosted and rejected enough when applying for university and then even
more some when applying for jobs. I really don't have it in me to face
down the Final Boss of Rejection™ which is modern online dating
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u/Count_Rugens_Finger avatar
Count_Rugens_Finger
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"laying flat"
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aquietvengeance
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My biggest issue as an app user is that most of the guys aren’t down for
dates. We move to texting and I’ll ask about getting together and it
doesn’t happen. I’m not on the app for pen pals or new Snapchat friends
(God help us all. Take Snapchat instead of TikTok PLEASE). I’m actually
looking for men to go on dates with and get to know them but that doesn’t
seem to be the case for most others out there.
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vvortex3
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Someone has to solve this. If there are 100 people and evveryone wants the
5% unicorn do we take turns riding the 5 unicorns, or do 5 people get the
unicorns and the other 95 figure something else out? Because right now
we're taking turns trying to ride the 5 unicorns.
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hamburgerbobert
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The dating world is a barren wasteland online.
Outside of bars and nightclubs, it’s generally difficult to strike a
conversation with someone else. People have been anti social and defensive
post-Covid.
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u/Goatmannequin avatar
Goatmannequin
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3h ago
It's pretty fucking hard when you can't afford food, clothes, or
furniture, homie.
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u/NeighborhoodDude84 avatar
NeighborhoodDude84
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3h ago
I'm blown away by how many people I see marked things like
"environmentalism" or "women's right" as important to them and then also
are marked as conservative/apolitcal. huh?
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u/No_Abalone8273 avatar
No_Abalone8273
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what......😭
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u/Ruxify avatar
Ruxify
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Yeah and when you complain about it you get called an incel by privileged
people and gas lit by people who haven't dated in forever saying ohhh it's
just SOOOOO easy you're obviously just doing something wrong. It's
purportedly a major cause of many men swinging hard to right wing
fascistic ideologies in recent years. I feel like match group needs to be
held accountable for what they've done by profiting off human misery. But
nooooo that goes againt muh freedumbs or some shit.
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u/kittenpasteco avatar
kittenpasteco
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I moved to the PNW, in 2019. Every lgbt person out here is either poly,
too far left, or both. Gay dating, with the goal of marriage, is nearly
impossible here.
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u/JJMcGee83 avatar
JJMcGee83
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36m ago
If it makes you feel any better I'm a straight in the PNW and it's the
same on this side of it.
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u/Augen76 avatar
Augen76
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I think it is brutal.
I have a buddy who went through a divorce years ago. He's a great guy,
solid looker, and very successful businessman and he was approached by six
women in the company in the weeks after news got out. He declined them all
as he knew the title and salary were what they were interested in. So, he
tried online dating and found if he was honest the $$$ lit up looking for
a sugar daddy, but if he didn't have his occupation he got literally zero
matches over months.
He was despondent until as part of a running group he met the women who is
now his wife. She had no idea about his money, and didn't care. They hit
it off naturally and upon discovering she asks nothing. Has been fine
flying first class to nice vacations, but she loves him and that's what he
wanted so badly.
To me this illustrates how things have gone wrong. This guy was 100% a
catch, but take away third places and put through an algorithm? He had
basically no chance to find love. It's all so transactional and cold
without the sweet "how'd you meet?" stories where natural human connection
can take hold.
Over and over I see folks who avoid it manage, while those that go through
the numbers game come out much more cynical because the vast majority of
us are lucky to get a 1% success rate. That amount of rejection damages
people and their sense of self worth.
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non0
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3h ago
Swipe left on modern dating, bring back handwritten love letters!
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u/NESpahtenJosh avatar
NESpahtenJosh
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3h ago
Are people shocked by this? People don't even want to talk to a human to
reserve a table at a restaurant... you think they're going to have deep
honest conversations about their wants and needs in a relationship?
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u/brokensilence32 avatar
brokensilence32
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I think the decline of third spaces contributes to this.
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Esc777
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3h ago
It got harder,
Because I got ten years older!
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u/DreadWeOrgy avatar
DreadWeOrgy
OP
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3h ago
Time does fly. I dont feel my age, but i am old now.
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u/vegan-jesus avatar
vegan-jesus
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6'10" firefighter/paramedic, unable to get any matches or feedback on
dating profiles. Well, minor feedback, almost exclusively negative
comments/unhelpful criticism with very, very few tidbits of actually
helpful advice.
Spent the last 6 ish, months on and off over hinge, bumble, tinder, in the
heart of Pittsburgh and it feels like I'm invisible or something. And
approaching people in person is ehhhh, the social norms around asking a
girl for her number or similar have changed quite a bit I feel like,
although part of that is just me being out of the dating pool for over 10
years, maybe it's just my area or something but even striking up a
conversation with someone at a bar/just out and about can feel
inappropriate or uncomfortable, for either/both parties.
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u/Alternative_Help_515 avatar
Alternative_Help_515
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This isn't a direct answer to your question, but it's something I badly
need to explain to insane, incel-brained redditors:
At no point in modern history has it ever been common to randomly meet
women at bars/restaurants/etc. Yes, it happens and has always happened a
little bit. No, I am not in any way whatsoever suggesting that it doesn't
ever happen, please don't lie. No, I don't care about your anecdotal
experiences, there are literally hard stats available on this subject.
In fact, the frequency with which people meet spouses at bars and
restaurants has actually gone up. And what's collapsed is the number of
people who met as coworkers, at church, as family friends, as neighbors,
through school, etc. But think about all those contexts: they're all
opportunities where you can get to know people before becoming friends or
romantic partners, which makes it much more likely those dating
experiences will be successful. Today the most common way to meet someone
is online, which allows you get to know them a bit, but they are still
mostly a random person. The same is true of someone you meet in a bar as
well. That's why the dating scene sucks shit: because we're losing ways to
organically and slowly meet people and ensure compatibility, and we've
replaced them with ways that are fucking random and awful.
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u/twoworldsin1 avatar
twoworldsin1
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By "half of US adults", do they just mean all males that were surveyed? 🤔
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John__Wick
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Kids, sit down for a sec. Imma weave you a tale of "Dating in the 00s and
10s." When I was young, delinquency was "hot" up to around age 28. Guys
were acting like complete sociopaths and girls rolled their eyes but dated
them anyway. Doing anything even remotely feminine or having passion about
anything was met with "Becky stares" from young women and quite often
physical abuse from young men.
To be clear here is a list of things that were "gay" growing up: Video
games other than COD or Halo (and those if you enjoyed them too much),
smiling (literally, guys often didn't smile in pictures), drinking through
a straw, eating ice cream, laughing (unless someone just "ate shit"),
watching movies, watching television, listening to any music other than
rap, getting a ride from anyone, wearing a shirt that was not black, being
enthusiastic, walking, running, any sport other than soccer and football,
being good at school, studying, playing any instrument besides guitar or
drums, liking women (yep. The irony is not lost on me).
That's the short list. Now, couple that with the normal pressure's of
dating, plus the fact that asking someone for their number was WAY more of
a commitment than it is now, and I can tell you dating is SO MUCH EASIER
TODAY!!
I went on more dates, had more sex, and talked with more women between
2014-2022 than I did the entire rest of my dating life, college included.
All of these women were out of my league. Somewhere in early 2014 or late
2013 culture shifted a lot. Suddenly being nice was cool. People were
playing Pokemon together. There were MTG clubs in schools that weren't
just neck beards. And all the MTVesque irl bs was mocked as it always
should have been.
You kids have apps that take 90% of the first step pressure out of dating,
more women in the workforce than ever willing to date co-workers,
Facebook, Insta, reddit, etc. all great for finding people with similar
interest. And being yourself has never been more attractive.
Get out there, kids. Be happy. - it with someone. You have NO EXCUSE. If
an old, ugly guy like me can do it then trust me, ANYONE CAN.
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illimitable1
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People are out of practice at chatting each other up in the usual default
meatspace world. They don't have places where they meet strangers anymore
because many of our third places (ie not home, not work or school) have
been eroded by online spaces and economic hardship. People go out less for
civic clubs and places where they would otherwise meet.
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u/raver6 avatar
raver6
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As a guy, 10 years ago you'd still have to work hard but you'd get some
response. Nowadays you can send a million messages that'll funnel to about
2% responses, and of those responses a percentage will actually continue
talking to you, then of that a small percentage will exchange numbers and
finally filters out to a small percent that will go on a date with you.
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u/CSGOW1ld avatar
CSGOW1ld
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It’s completely ruined. Look at the things that go “viral” on women’s
dating circles… 6’, 6 figures, takes me traveling, etc… Then, look at
websites like the female delusion calculator that show how likely it is to
even meet someone who meets these criteria.
Back in the day, a guy from a small town in Florida, Nebraska, wherever,
has a chance with the local cutie. Now because of tinder, she has access
to a globalized dating scene that makes her less likely to even entertain
that guy. So many guys are being left behind because of this.
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odrer-is-an-ilulsoin
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Dating apps are destroying the dating scene. Dating is becoming that thing
you do while waiting for that appointment, when you’re bored at work,
watching tv, when you can’t sleep, etc.
The apps have proven a few things. Women are also superficial and men
really aren’t good communicators. I.e., they have exposed women and
reinforced what we once knew about men.
Women, your dad, grandfather, and other bygone men would have sucked on
dating apps too. It isn’t just that today’s man has changed into a
Neanderthal. Sure, they are worse in some ways, but then they are better
in other ways.
A guy that’s hot, successful, and a great communicator verbally & with
the written word is a tall bar to get over. There’s a reason boys on the
school yard “flirt” by showing off physically and why young men do risky
stunts. Men are better in person.
Men, women are doing exactly what men would be doing if the dating apps’
tables were flipped. It stings to be overlooked because you’re average,
huh?
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Good_Vibes_Only_Fr
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Married 2014. Hit that last helicopter out of Nam lol 😂
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Russ_T_Hinge
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I'm 6'5, I own my own home, I make 6 figures. I WFH, but I have a fairly
active social life and get out doing something every day. I'm active, I'm
social, I lift, play sports. I'm not homely looking. And I'm just not able
to find much out there. I've been on and off dating apps since the
pandemic because it's just hard meeting people out in the real world. So,
I've been stuck with the online dating dance.
My most recent date stood me up, straight up. After texting her after
waiting for 20 min, she finally responded and said, "Dude, you didn't text
me all day laughing emoji" (she wasn't a texter, and I was busy during the
day - I had also gotten a dinner rezzy and sent her a screenshot the night
before...).
She texted me later blaming me for not initiating a convo because she was
concerned about her safety and wanted to ask me for social media to make
sure I'm not a creep (i don't have social media). So, instead of reaching
out to me and asking me straight up, instead of being an adult and telling
me what she needed before she was comfortable to meet, instead of texting
me that she wasn't gonna make it; she thought standing me up without
warning was the move.
Like, I'm not trying to paint with a large paintbrush here - I have a lot
of awesome women friends - but god damn, women on dating apps are so
fucking frustrating. It's like y'all are bystanders in your own dating
life, waiting for some knight to sweep you off your feet instead of
putting in a little effort for your own love life. Newsflash, dudes want
to be valued too, guys want to feel like we are a prize as well.
I've mostly stopped online dating at this point. And that was solidified
in a book I recently read - Thursday Murder Club. "At least I have
discovered that online dating is not for me. You can have too much choice
in this world. And when everyone has too much choice, it is also much
harder to be chosen. And we all want to be chosen."
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u/asshole_commenting avatar
asshole_commenting
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Staring down the barrel of an actual lifetime alone
I wish I utilized my youth better
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u/Academic_Advisor4117 avatar
Academic_Advisor4117
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Sometimes i wonder, is reddit populated entirely by hermits? The amount of
comments in here saying they don’t leave the house, astonishing
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Anteater_Pete
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It got significantly worse, and I have gone through apps and been speed
dating for several years with little to show for it until I met my
girlfriend through Reddit of all places. And she is the one who found me.
My heart absolutely goes out to the single men out there trying to prove
they are worth the time to a notably more jaded population.
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WatcherOfStarryAbyss
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The problem with Reddit is the anonymity. It'd be cool to find someone
like-minded, sure, but you'll never know if it's a scam or if you should
worry about waking up with missing kidneys when you decide to meet
someone.
Then again, with AI and OF, it's not like dating apps are much better.
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monkeymanlover
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In my experience, dating is the same as it ever was, but meeting people to
date has become much more difficult. Dating apps promote vapid, shallow
interactions, and few people who participate in singles nights, go to
clubs, etc. are worth meeting. All the single people I would be interested
in are just out there living their lives, and never our paths shall meet.
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Mikimao
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Obviously purely anecdotal, but yeah I had way more fun with dating 20
years ago, it was less hostile and way more optimistic.
What was once a lot of hope about the future is replaced by the unease
that everyone is one swipe away from jumping ship, which in turn makes you
not want to invest in anybody. Apps are the ouroboros of dating.
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u/GammaPhonic avatar
GammaPhonic
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Doesn’t dating generally get harder as you get older? I mean, people pair
off, right?
I would expect people who have been dating for 10 years to find it harder
now than it used to be.
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Healthy_Razzmatazz38
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Edited 55m ago
80-90% of my friends who graduated college with a partner married that
person.
10 years later virtually none of the people who did not graduate college
in a relationship are married, and exactly zero people in my network at 33
have a child if they did not start a relationship with their partner
before 24.
Thats a pretty wild/disturbing thing.
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2ndSnack
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Lack of being social, likable, and respectful.
Far too many people seemingly have a debilitating mentality that causes
them to be too anxious to go out
...
People are lacking the ability to read social cues and body language and
either under react or steamroll past the "too much" line making them
awkward to interact with and then are unlikable.
...
Respect has gone out the window for all genders. People are more crude,
callous, don't apologize or take any accountability and aren't humble.
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Volkove
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Well I got 0 dates 10 years ago and I got 0 dates since 10 years ago so I
feel like it's about the same...
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u/ShoddyInitiative2637 avatar
ShoddyInitiative2637
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3h ago
I've genuinely started thinking that people now are more prude than ever.
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jerrystrieff
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3h ago
Lars and the Real Girl had it figured out
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BlacksmithRemote1175
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Yeah, high standards and lower realities will do that.
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mperezstoney
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Probably correct. You have ALOT of political bias now. There's noway in
hell that I would consider dating someone into MAGA.
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u/Fit_Put3832 avatar
Fit_Put3832
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I had a girl on a dating app tell me if I was a good man I would let her
prostitute, " because a loving boyfriend doesn't care what his gf does
when she is alone"
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soothsayer2377
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"What if we turned dating into the absolutely brutal job application
process and it ends up making everyone more miserable?"- Some silicon
valley tech entrepreneurs.
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u/Mastermid avatar
Mastermid
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3h ago
What does this even mean? Obvsly people that have been dating without any
success for 10+ years will think that its harder than it was 10 years ago.
Also, are they correcting for factors like "success stories" (couples)
removing themselves from this population?
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csward53
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3h ago
Everyone on the dating sites is less than desirable let's say or it's a
fake catfishing account. Quite depressing.
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u/03063 avatar
03063
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If you are still looking for a partner after a decade couldn’t it be said
part of it is on you?
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u/tibbon avatar
tibbon
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Dating seems easy, and I don't understand the complaints. The world is
more connected than ever, and there are so many chances to meet people.
A lot of people with aspects of my identity would complain that those
things make it hard for them - male, early 40s, poly, probably a 6.5/10 -
but I simply don't see it. Participate in the world around you and there
are nonstop people to interact with.
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Vorpak
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Honestly it's gotten way harder for me in the last 25 years. Marriage can
do that to you.
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u/crafticharli avatar
crafticharli
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In my experience, you have 2 situations you're dealing with.
The first being the cheaters and the poly people (whose wives and husbands
aren't always aware that they're poly). The cheaters can't settle, but
they're very good at knowing what's attractive and saying and doing the
right things to get attention. The poly people are at least up front about
what they want. The issue comes when the significant other isn't aware
that they're in an open relationship. In both cases, this group of people
can't settle and won't provide you with the long term commitment you're
looking for.
Then there's the "nice guys" who are NEVER nice - but they put themselves
on the moral highground because at LEAST they're not a cheater.
I've never dated a woman, so I can't speak for the other side of the
spectrum. But I constantly run into these two situations over and over.
The Nice guys get aggressive, and the F*boys say and do all the right
things right up until you catch onto their games.
Then you might finally meet someone who is on your level, and then then
one or both of you are on different life paths or have different morals or
someone isn't completely divorced, and those guys ALWAYS go back to their
wives at least twice before they can make up their minds to stay or go.
(I'm sure women do the same thing- but again, I haven't dated one).
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penndavies
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Nearly half of Americans are 10 years older than they were 10 years ago,
and their dating pool is smaller and pickier. This is normal.
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OriginalGanZ
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The streets are chaotic rn..I’m having fun atleast.
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u/Key_Day_7932 avatar
Key_Day_7932
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I'm a 28 year old male who is never dated largely due to personal choice.
Now that I want to date and get into a relationship I have no idea where
to begin nor where nor how to meet people.
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u/LuigiOurHero avatar
LuigiOurHero
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Catfish, psychotic expectations from women, ghosting and an awful economy.
It’s terrible.
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busa89
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It's harder because they are using apps instead of interacting with
people. It's super easy to be dismissed based 100% on vanity on a phone.
Instead, try asking someone out in person and giving them an opportunity
to see some personality as well. You would be surprised how many people
have never been properly asked out on a date.
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u/Riptide559 avatar
Riptide559
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I'm glad my wife has her boyfriend. I could only imagine her trying to
have to go out and date to find someone new.
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2020mademejoinreddit
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It sucks ass. Most just wanna hook-up. Not just on apps either, even
meeting people outside.
As Bi, this applies to both men and women. No one wants to actually date.
I always make that clear to all my dates and when they said they just
wanted to hook-up, I end the date.
When getting sex is easier than getting a relationship, it's not worth it.
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u/Jmac0585 avatar
Jmac0585
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TL;DR Life ain't TV, don't try and punch above your weight. Accept
reality.
Start by understanding who you are and where you will compromise. I'm a
christian, i wouldnt compromise that. Im and independent conservative. I
didnt want someone on the left. Why? Obviously it will make the
relationship more challenging because they are core principals of each
person, religion and politics. Start there. Be with someone you - a world
view with, regardless of what it is.
Then the next step is "the rule of 2." It's very simple. Have someone who
doesn't know you at all evaluate you honestly on the 1 to 10 scale. Ask
someone who barely knows you to rate you and rate you honestly. Then ask
someone who knows you very well to evaluate you HONESTLY. Average that
number. The stranger will evaluate your looks, the person that doesn't
know you well, will evaluate your looks and what little they know about
your personality, like more of a what you might reveal on a first date.
The person who knows you well (and is honest) will tell you what you are
really like as a person. This will give you a good evaluation to start
from. Let's say your number is 6 (it's my opinion there are more 6s than
any other number). You then have to accept you cannot expect to date
anyone higher than an 8. Obviously, there are exceptions, but you aren't
one of them unless you have money and are willing to be a
sugar-daddy/momma. You're a 6. shoot for a 6, maybe a 7, and just accept
it. You can try for an 8, but their chances are much smaller than a 6. You
can almost always go lower than your number. At least your chances of
success will be greater. The biggest issue that people face today is the
unrealistic expectations that are created by the media. Most people are
between 5-7. That means you can not expect to get a 9 or a 10. You can
fish for one, but expect to get as many bites as you would dropping a line
in your sink.
Here's another fact you have to accept regardless of your number. Real
life is rarely, if ever, a Hallmark movie. It aint. People are imperfect.
Some people have gas. Some people have bad breath, or ugly feet, or are
bald, or are a little heavy, or have large noses. EVERYONE has issues. It
might be what knocks them down from a higher number. Accept it. Dont throw
the baby out with the bath water. Some struggle with mental health issues.
If you struggle with mental health, you should really get yourself sorted
before trying to date. if you don't,you'rer gonna struggle hard. I
struggle with mental health. My wife loves me, but I had to put in the
work.
You aren't going on a date and getting married or moving in next week and
living happily ever after. Regardless of what the TV or the movies show
you, relationships are work. They should take time, and be a little bumpy.
You need to start with you. If you think you should be rated higher, work
on yourself. EVERYONE can improve their rating at least 1, if not 2
points. You can do it. Just be realistic about it. Good Luck.
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StrawbraryLiberry
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I don't know about everyone else, but I'm sick of everyone's shit! So I
can't muster the interest to date.
It does seem like it has gotten harder, I think people are more divided,
and a lot of people are experiencing instability and financial hardships,
but people have also been sold that dating needs to involve a lot of
spending. The stakes are higher for some people politically, than others,
as well.
Edit: I also think more people are able to identify toxic behavior and
leave due to it, but also a lot of people are woefully lacking in
emotional & relationship skills. So we have more awareness with some
people, but still a bunch of people who have never worked on those skills.
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u/2scruffy avatar
2scruffy
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I'm happily married, but, if God forbid, my wife died or we somehow
divorced, I'd stay single for the rest of my days.
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u/The_Lucky_7 avatar
The_Lucky_7
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•
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Dating has been comedized into a service where the idea of finding a
person to date has been turned into a product. The gamification of that
product very ridiculously follow's Ubisoft's Infinite Money Loop where the
metric of engagement is the measure of the service's success; rather than
the value it adds to a person's life.
When a person matches with another they take themselves out of the pool of
people engaging with the service, and that takes recurrent user spending
out of the process. So, the process is designed from the ground up to let
that happen as few times as possible.
So we have extremely large and powerful corporations interfering in the
process dating, and finding love for financial gain when we didn't used to
have that ten years ago. We could go further into discussing the
individual bad actors also trying to game the system for personal profit,
but they're only using the system as it is designed to be used from the
perspective of the developers.
Furthermore, because of the ubiquity of large corporations interfering in
the process of dating, and the trillions of dollars they have spent over
the last 10 years normalizing their presence, even people who refuse to be
sucked by their services are still interacting with people who are. The
dating pool is heavily influenced by the norms established by social
media, and dating apps, and become more difficult to date/get to know as a
result.
Not that these applications change the person, per se, but rather that
they are convinced there is an infinite line of people ready and waiting
to accept them as they are without affording the other person the same
dignity. The reality of personhood has been so warped that we even have
people on this very site telling strangers to end decade long marriages
over the slightest misstep by their partner, or break up with people they
just met over the slightest bungling of social norms--even in cases where
the original poster asking for advice lives in a different country with
different social norms than the poster.
The dating scene in the modern era is an absolute hell-scape compared to
how it was 10 years ago, because in short, 10 years ago we didn't have a
litany of companies trying to profit off of our misery. Today we have an
entire misery industry.
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therope_cotillion
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Dating apps give people unrealistic expectations. Perfection is always a
possible swipe away so they pass on people who may be legitimately great
partners and are truly interested in them because they weren’t swept off
their feet after a few messages or a single date.
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u/Special_Loan8725 avatar
Special_Loan8725
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Down side: it’s terrible
Upside: Antidepressants make me not really care
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coke71685
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It sucks, especially if you're not straight.
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u/Meeqs avatar
Meeqs
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When dating apps first came out they had their flaws but they were
ultimately a net positive. It was different but overall better, so blaming
apps in general is a tad off the mark, but that said…
Since then however they have all been bought up by match and mostly became
a monopoly, that has went from user acquisition to the enshittification in
an effort to maximize profits. Before if an app tried this then people
would quickly shift to another but now that they’re all owned by the same
group it’s not an option.
Monopolies, what a joy.
Outside of that, you also have to figure that in order to form that
opinion you’d need to be dating for a 10 year sample, so I think you could
also have the assumption that over that 10 year period the successful
sample size leaves the dating pool and you get a larger % of people who
are struggling to find a partner by default so I’m not too surprised to
see that trend inherently. (And those who entered the dating pool later
wouldn’t have a reference for 10 years ago or are subject to different
larger scale socioeconomic issues)
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w3agle
•
55m ago
I started my first foray into online dating in my early 30s in 2019.
People complained then, but it wasn't all that bad. I'm an average dude.
It was pretty easy to get a date back then. With even a little effort I
could find myself going on at least one date/week. Did that for a few
years and while there was some wasted effort, overall I found dating fun
and interesting.
Then I was in a monogamous relationship for the past few years. It ended,
and now I'm back on dating apps. It's so bad. In the past ~ year I've had
truly only one date from Tinder. I'm not any worse looking. I'd say in my
opinion I think I'm more attractive overall, and I feel like that is
affirmed with people I meet in the real world. Maybe it has to do with
being in my mid-late 30s vs early 30s...? Maybe I'm just more picky?
I get zero matches these days. Maybe like 1 or 2 a week at most. I tried
paying for a subscription and that really didn't change anything. When I
do get a match the conversation is terrible. I'm half of that equation, so
I'll shoulder that blame. Maybe I suck at online flirting now haha. I'm
just at a loss. It feels like everyone I match with is just so burnt out
from the process and not really willing to engage and open up.
The other thing that's WAY different now than ~5 years ago is the amount
of prostitution profiles. I'm not talking OF, I'm talking profiles that
get you on a different app and then explain the cost of their services. No
judgment at all, but that's not what I'm on a dating app for. And the OF
accounts, while they were already around 5 years ago, are wayyyy more
prevalent now.
I browse subs like r/tinder and I'm blown away by the conversations I see
there. I guess it's a generational thing. I can't imagine talking to
strangers like that. The overtly sexual stuff was always there and while
it's never been my style, it wasn't that shocking. I'm talking about the
amount of people that are talking about killing each other and hurting
each other within the first few messages. I'm sure it's all just a part of
some subculture I don't understand. I'm getting older after all. It's wild
to think that some of the people I'm matching with and don't know how to
talk to might be expecting me to offer to smash in their skull or commit
some other wild acts of violence to myself or them.
Most of the dating apps are obviously just games. If the apps actually
wanted to help people connect, they wouldn't hide everything behind a
curtain and show you maybe 1 or 2 potentially compatible matches for every
50-100 that you'd obviously not have any interest in. The 'game' aspect
was fun for a while, but now it's all too clear that we are just a cog in
a corporation's mechanism to get as much money as possible.
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No_Science_3845
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21m ago
Personally, I don't meet my own standards for dating, so I don't feel the
need to inflict myself on someone else's life.
I've been on a few dates before and there was nothing enjoyable about it,
so I just don't need to do it anymore. I have no intentions of being one
of those "my bloodline needs to continue" freaks who feels the need to
focus on their "legacy," so I don't have any reason to date.
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u/grammar_oligarch avatar
grammar_oligarch
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3h ago
Been in a monogamous relationship since 2011. You couldn’t pay me to go
back into the dating scene.
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u/Senkajo avatar
Senkajo
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Its easier than ever to be honest. Life is better when you aren't on
Twitter and TikTok. Reddit ain't much better but bless those deleted
accounts from 9 years ago who had my exact problem.
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BackStabbathOG
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I haven’t dated anyone since high school before my wife but seeing friends
my age that are single for awhile or newly single especially at 30 it
seems abysmal. The dudes chase after take women and the women are homie
hoppers.
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DesertReagle
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Dating? Who does that anymore?
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u/I_hate_alot_a_lot avatar
I_hate_alot_a_lot
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A good friend of mine has went on four dates since his divorce.
2 ghosted, 1 bragged to him after the date to using him for a free meal,
the other said he wasn't tall enough.
He's 6'2", makes $90k, decent looking and I know for a fact has a big ole
schlong.
So he stopped trying to date, focuses on himself; working out, reading,
hobbies such as Pokemon and playing hockey, and playing video games. He
has zero interest in dating nowadays.